Grandparents Raising Grandkids

Grandparents As Parents: A Workshop Model

Introduction | Teaching Points 1–3 | Teaching Points 4–6 | Teaching Points 7–9

Teaching Points:

  1. Grandparents need to take care of themselves first.
  2. Grandparents parenting again need to practice positive parenting skills.
  3. Grandparents parenting grandchildren need to keep their family strong.

4. Grandparents need to take care of themselves first.

As the primary caregiver to your grandchild(ren), you need to feel confident and be healthy. There will be new stressors relating to demands on your time, energy and family resources. How will you manage these? Try to give yourself time alone or with a friend to get physical exercise. It’s healthy to cultivate interests outside your family responsibilities to keep you feeling emotionally balanced.

One way you can gain relief from stress is to meet with other grandparents who are parenting again. Offer and accept support from others when needed. You could help organize a bi-monthly or monthly support group in which you each share your concerns and solutions to problems with each other. This type of support group will help you realize your own personal and parenting strengths. Discuss your feelings about your own stress levels. Share ways you relieve stress.

5. Grandparents parenting again need to practice positive parenting skills.

SET GOALS:

It’s vital that you and your spouse (if you have one) have a sense of purpose in setting child-rearing goals. Talk about what you think is important. One of your main goals will be to help your grandchildren grow in self-responsibility and in their feelings of significance in the family.

It’s important that you and your partner cooperate with one another in expectations, task sharing and discipline.

GUIDE:

Guide your grandchild by modeling appropriate behavior…to practice what you preach! Children will learn more from what you do than from what you say. Praise and encourage their good behavior, and, as much as possible, ignore their bad behavior. Use more “yes” than “no.”

DISCIPLINE AND TEACH:

Set limits that fit the age of the child. A two year-old cannot be expected to stay in an unfenced yard unsupervised, but a well trained five year-old probably can. Work with the child to agree on reasonable limits (protections). Limits are like guardrails on a bridge…they keep us from falling off and help us feel secure. Children need limits to help them feel secure.

An important part of discipline is teaching. Provide children with ways to learn responsibility that is right for their age. Let the little ones (ages 3–5) begin to help you in the kitchen, help pick up their rooms, have little chores they do. Increase their responsibility with age. Teach and show fundamental values (i.e., honesty, respect for self and others, trustworthiness) that you want your grandchildren to practice. Talk with them about why you feel these values are important. When kids make mistakes, let them help decide how to solve the problem…this is teaching problem-solving skills that will help them in years to come. Teach children about themselves, others and the world around them. Trips to the library, local museums or surrounding historical sites will help to stimulate curiosity, imagination, and the search for knowledge. Use community resources when needed to benefit you and your grandchildren. Stimulate social change to create supportive environments for children and families. Build relationships with family, neighborhood, and community groups.

HELP YOUR GRANDCHILDREN SUCCEED IN SCHOOL:

Before coming to live with you, the grandchild may have missed a lot of school, or been in many different schools. They may have gone to school hungry or unhappy. If so, they couldn’t concentrate on school, and they may have acted out their anger in school. They may not have had anyone to help them with homework. One of the best things you can do for your grandchild is to assure them that you will help them catch up in school. Work with the child to assure them that you will:

  • Set regular homework times, before play.
  • Ask your grandchild’s school about after school tutoring.
  • Read with your grandchildren at bedtime.
  • Make a regular fun (and no-cost) outing to the library.

Show your grandchildren how you use numbers every day. If you buy apples for $2.00 a dozen, help the younger child to count out 12, or ask an older child to figure how much each apple costs.

Meet with your grandchild’s school teacher, principal or guidance counselor as soon as possible. Ask how you can help.

Your child may have special learning or behavior needs which are not being met. If so, there is a lot you can do. Under Federal law, every child in public school has the right to receive an education suited to his or her special needs. Ask that your grandchild be tested and a meeting set to decide what kind of class and services your grandchild needs to learn well.

This is called an IEP (individualized education plan). Ask if there is a form you need to sign to get the process started.

As custodial grandparent, you have the right to attend all meetings. Remember! You are the best advocate for your grandchild!

Ask the group: What are some other ideas for helping grandchildren with schoolwork?

DETERMINE AND MONITOR Television Watching: TV can teach your child many good things.

Take advantage of the many good children’s programs on public TV like Sesame Street, Kidsongs and Mr. Rogers, for young children; Bill Nye the Science Guy, and Who Stole Carmen Sandiego for older children. But consider the risks also. Most shows are more violent and show more sex than when you were raising your own children. Even the news, and commercials may speak of things you don’t want your grandchildren to hear. Unhealthy eating habits may result from commercials pushing foods, alcohol, etc. Studies show that too much TV for children can lead to learning problems, lack of creativity, and aggressive behavior problems like punching and hitting. With your grandchild possibly already at risk for learning and behavior problems, this is a serious concern.

There are alternatives to TV and ways to keep TV a healthy part of family life. You can:

  • Offer your grandchildren games, books, trips to the library or the city park.
  • Limit TV watching. Decide together what is reasonable based on the child’s situation.
  • If you have a VCR, rent a non-violent, appropriate movie on the weekend to watch together as a family.

NURTURE:

Express affection and compassion. Hug and kiss your grandchildren; they are hungry for love, self-respect and hope. If they don’t like hugging, they will let you know. Don’t force it upon them; there may be reasons they don’t like hugging.

LISTEN and SPEAK in positive ways:

Attend to children’s feelings and ideas. Children need to feel that its O.K. to express their feelings, no matter if they are feelings of anger, resentment, hate or hurt. Healing will occur as they are encouraged to share their feelings in a safe atmosphere. Tell them that you understand…talk through their feelings, and why they may be having them.

PROVIDE for basic needs (nutrition, shelter, clothing, health and safety needs).

Plan to celebrate special events (holidays, once a week outings, special activities the children are involved in). As much as possible, maintain important routines that the children are used to having before they came to live with you. Help the children feel connected to your family history and cultural heritage. Here is a quick “handle” for helping you keep in touch with your grandchild(ren): A-C-T

Discuss with Grandparents. Let them suggest examples that fit their situation.

  • A = Acknowledge and accept feelings. Express positive response to anger, hurt, excitement, or moodiness. Let the child know its O.K…that he/she is still loved by you.
  • C = Communicate Limits – Keep the rules in plain sight, and review them from time to time. Where there is a behavior problem in a preschool to school age child, say 8 years old, you might say, “I understand that you are angry about not getting to watch this TV program tonight, but remember, …you do not watch TV shows with violence, and you don’t watch after 8:30.”
  • T = Target Two Choices – (if the child is refusing to go to bed)
  • (Age 6–8) You may go to your room and read or look at books for 15 minutes before going to bed (depending on the age of the child), or draw pictures/write a letter.
  • (Age 16) – (i.e., the child didn’t return home on time after a school activity) “Since you didn’t come in at the time we agreed, you may either give up your movie on Saturday night or give up use of the car for a week.”
  • (Keep consequences appropriate to the misbehavior).

6. Grandparents parenting grandchildren need to keep their family strong.

When a child with special needs enters a new household, the entire family feels the strain. Change can be stressful. If you are alone or widowed, you’ll have a lot of weight on your shoulders. Don’t be afraid to ask friends or others for help. A support group for grandparents raising grandchildren can also help you feel less alone.

If you have a partner, there may be strains on your relationship. Some couples have even separated under the stress of caring for grandchildren. Disagreements are natural and normal, especially regarding the care of the grandchild…especially if behavior problems occur. No matter how stressed and busy you feel, its important to plan times to be together, away from the grandchildren.

As a couple, you may find your grandchild treating each of you very differently. A child may act angry and mean with one grandparent, but “good as gold” with another. It’s a way of acting out the anger the child feels against a parent—but, at the same time, keeping a feeling of safety. This is a time that your spouse needs to support you in front of the child…to insist that, if you have said “no” to a request of the child, he would honor you by not saying “yes” to the same request. It's easy to be pushed apart if your grandchild plays favorites. Try to band together. If you’re going to get angry, get angry at the same things. Support each others’ positions as much as possible:

  • Try to agree on house rules and how to respond to the children—or at least disagree in privacy, not in front of the grandchildren.
  • If possible, take turns caring for your grandchildren.
  • If a grandchild has chosen you as the “bad guy,” don’t blame yourself. If you’re the chosen “good guy,” make an extra effort to support and help your partner at this time.

There will be ups and downs to your new role. Just when you think things are going well, they may change suddenly. The child may revert to old behaviors, that you were thinking were changing for the better. You may doubt your own parenting…or wonder what you are doing wrong. But you’re probably not doing anything wrong at all. A grandchild who acts up may be testing you, to see if you’ll react with violence or rejection.

These times will pass. But be sure to find the support and help you need to keep your family on track. Give yourself, and your partner, credit for all you do well with your grandchildren.

Introduction | Teaching Points 1–3 | Teaching Points 4–6 | Teaching Points 7–9

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Written by (August 1997): Dr. Carris Booker, Assistant Professor and Extension 4-H & Youth Development Specialist; Dr. Dorothy E. James, Assistant Professor and Extension Family Life Specialist; Dr. Judith L. Warren, Professor and Extension Gerontology Specialist. Updated by Andrew B. Crocker, Gerontology Health Specialist, November 2003.

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Last updated: 26 July, 2010

Educational programs of the Texas AgriLife Extension Service are open to all people without regard to race, color, sex, disability, religion, age, or national origin.